Accountability is Killing My Dream

I’m going to write a book.  I’ve been writing a book for about 15 years.  And by that I mean I started writing a book about 15 years ago but haven’t added a word to in in about 14 years and 9 months.  But the fact that I still know where it is and could add a word to it at a whim I think qualifies for “I’m writing a book”.

Trying to live in a more positive mindset (I’m a realist 82% of the time so usually “it just is what it is, good or bad” and I work with the cards I’m given) and keeping with that I’m working really hard on not calling B.S. on the more cosmic, spiritual, karma-y way of life.  See I’m a big believer in doing the right thing cause its the right thing.  I can’t say that this has given me an easy life; quite the opposite really.  So I can’t put 100% faith in the “pray on it” or “it will come back to you” or “think good thoughts and good things will happen” mantras when it seems like you’d be better off forming some kind of plan and acting on it.  But!!!!  Big o’ But!!!! I am a huge believer that having a positive mindset despite ugly circumstances only helps.  So why not add some positive action.

So here is me, Chantelle, putting this positively out in the world, that I am going to not only start, but finish and self publish a book in the next 4 months.  I’m not promising a great novel.  I probably won’t change the world.  And Halle Berry probably won’t play me in the movie.  Heck… I’m probably going to put out a cookbook.  Cause I KNOW that is an attainable goal in the next few months.

Not for money, nor fame.  But to do it.  Cause I always said I would.  Since I was 11 years old, reading Sweet Valley High books under my covers with a flash light until the wee hours of the morning.  And dammit if life didn’t give me a million other things to do to make it seem like it was impossible that I’d ever be able to sell someone a book with my name on it.  But today anybody with a computer can self publish a book.  It could be the biggest piece of crap and they still will have fulfilled a dream I never did.  And that is unacceptable.  Is this anger I feel at just the thought of someone so dispassionate about writing that they wouldn’t even spell check before publishing a book and asking someone to pay money for it is doing something I have dreamed of for two decades?  A dormant dream but still a valid f-ing dream and I really have had very few dreams (realist, remember).

Back to accountability.  I’m a very busy lady.  A lot of people need looking after, and care, and support and its time consuming.  Additionally, I’m a bossy somebody.  Don’t like being told what to do.  And hate being wrong more than anything.  Combine all that and I just don’t have a group of people in my life that would hold me accountable and push me in a positive way towards fulfilling this dream.  People trust that I’m going to do what I want to do, how I want to do it and when I want to do it.  So if I wanted to write a book I would have been done it without paying any mind to their support or their criticism either way.  They are wrong.  But I can’t go changing the dynamic around here over a silly book so I got reach out and use my resources to get the accountability that’s going to keep me on task.

So world… hold me accountable. Call me on my B.S.  If I tell a lie or break a promise, don’t you dare let me slide!  Best believe I wouldn’t let you slide (ask my husband) and all my “Chantelle, you have to make time for yourself and your dreams” speeches haven’t gotten me any closer to doing a damn thing with my dream.

Oh. And hey you… The Secret!  This is me, putting it out in the world, positively.  Like you said.  Help me out on this one will you.  Your job on my last request was piss poor indeed.